Easter Bunny Calls It Quits After 300 Years

Exclusive Report by Johnny Eskimo
March 27th, 2006

After 300 plus years of faithful duty, the Easter Bunny tells Central Florida Eskimo Action News that "I am done".

A combination of factors including dramatic population increases, the skyrocketing price of plastic eggs, the increased demand of expensive gifts and the desire to just "chill-out" has led the one and only Easter Bunny to call it quits.

"I just don't have what it takes anymore." Stated a worn-out bunny. "In the 1800's it was soooo easy, the population was managable and the kids were content with a little bit of candy. The week after Easter, I would get incredible letters of gratitude and they would just make my heart melt. Now, I get millions of e-mails from snot-noses whining about not getting an XBOX game or other expensive gadgets like IPOD's. We lost some major corporate sponsors after the dotcom fallout and the wars overseas and quite honestly, I just can't make ends meet."

When asked if he ever thought of partnering with another legend like Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny just became beligerant.

"Oh, yeah.. I'm gonna partner with that hack... What a racket he's got. He outsources most of his wrapping and planning to the Chinese now. Go take a visit to the North Pole right now and you know what you'll find? A bunch of drunk has-been elves and Santa playing Texas Hold-em. They work 2 weeks out of the year...Please!!".

When asked about his future plans The Easter Bunny only stated that he plans on cashing in on some of his timeshare condos in Ormond Beach.