CRAZED MONKEY TERRORIZES LONGWOOD NEIGHBORHOOD

Last week, this photograph was sent in to the Eskimo Action News Studios. The return label simply read "Boris the Monkey".

An Exclusive Report by Johnny Eskimo
April 12th, 2006

Everyone has heard stories of Bigfoot, The Great Loch Ness Monster, Aliens, etc. But now a new urban legend has popped up in the city of Longwood, Florida. The new urban legend is that of a monkey nicknamed Boris.

"My dog was barking like crazy and I went outside to the carport and I saw this big, hairy monkey-like thing digging through my trash. I ran inside to grab my camera and when I came back he was gone." Stated a bewildered June Montgomery.

According to several reports, the crazed monkey has been very precise in what it wants: large cardboard boxes and peanut brittle. The monkey tends to strike late at night and to this point, has only been sighted in The Woodlands subdivision of Longwood.

"The other night, I was driving home after the Ale House closed down and I saw this thing running down the road. I thought that I might be seeing things because I had a couple of Alabama Slammers so I drove right up to it and sure enough it was a 6-foot monkey with a bunch of cardboard boxes." Stated witness Mark Marnin.

Other neighbors are a little more aggresive when it comes to Boris.

"I went out and bought 25 boxes of peanut brittle from Boy Scout Troop 854. Every night, I set them out in a row that leads to my back porch. When that monkey goes to pick up that last box, it's gonna meet my 12 gauge!" Stated Woodlands resident Jim Schultes.

One Woodlands resident is pretty sure that he has an answer to the recent monkey problem.

"For the last time, there is no 6-foot monkey that is terrorizing the Woodlands. It is obvious that the "monkey" is a man dressed in a monkey costume. In fact, I am pretty sure that it's my neighbor, Jon Tomas. He is always coming over to my house asking for boxes to ship out the junk he sells on eBay. Just the other day, I saw him collect what looked like costume monkey feet off of his clothesline." Confirmed Paul Goodstein.

Calls to Jon Tomas were not returned but you can bet that as news on this story breaks, the Eskimo Action News team will be there to cover it.