Plutonian ticked off about not being a Planet

"Say it ain't so International Astronomical Union!"

Report by Johnny Eskimo

Turns out Pluto is not a planet anymore. On Wednesday, the ninth rock from the sun was stripped of its former status by the International Astronomical Union. Apparently, astronomers changed the galactic guidelines.

Former Central Floridian and now Plutonian Astronaut Bill Chila was enraged when he heard the news,

"This is an outrage, now that the IAU (International Astronomical Union) has stripped Pluto of its planetary status, NASA has suspended funding on The Pluto Project. I have lived on Pluto with my family for 9 years and I get an email today from NASA telling me that my funding is cut. I am on friggin Pluto! My kids are in the middle of school! My wife has a sweet job as District Manager at McDonalds! Do you know how expensive it is to catch an interplanetary flight to earth? That is going to set my family back $4,500,000 earth dollars! I don't have that kind of scratch!"

Mrs. Chila had this to say about Pluto, "Listen, Pluto isn't perfect, we have our problems. A quart of milk is $4,000 and a gallon of gas just topped $3,000. Some of the natives don't like the Ame

rican-ization of their planet and our kids get made fun of for having to wear the special suits that provide oxygen and protect them from the -396F temperature, but this is our home!"

Zork Meesnob, Dictator of Pluto, had this to say about the planet's downgrade;

"I don't know who died and made Earth God! Seriously, where do those conceited humans think that they got the microwave from? It sure wasn't their dim-witted buddies on Mars! As far as the earth culture goes, they never even mention that the greatest actor to ever walk the face of the earth, Dustin Diamond (Screech from the 90's sitcom Saved By The Bell) is a Plutonian. I am done with Earthlings, no more Dish Network for Earth!"

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Well, become are friends at myspace. We here at the Eskimo Action News Office have pretty low-self esteem (especially after the badger attack). Why don't you help us out by going to our myspace accounts and becoming our friends.

Johnny Eskimo
http://www.myspace.com/johnnyeskimo

Bink Whiskerman
http://www.myspace.com/whiskerman

Thanks, and I can't give you all of the details right now... But there is a strong possibilty of some major changes coming in the months ahead. I'm talking way bigger then the MegaWeather 8000. We maybe partnering with some big, big people and well that's all I can say at the moment.. But stayed tuned for big things from your friends at The Central Florida Eskimo Action News.

Peace & Love,
Johnny Eskimo

COMPLETE DESTRUCTION

PACK OF WILD BADGERS DESTROY ESKIMO ACTION NEWS HOME OFFICE

Report by Johnny Eskimo

When veteran newsman Bink Whiskerman showed up for his first day of work at the Eskimo Action News Center, he was shocked to

see his prized typewriter totally demolished.

"I couldn't believe my eyes. As soon as I saw the destruction, I knew it was the work of badgers." Stated Whiskerman. "Those things are fierce little machines that are placed on this earth for only one reason: TOTAL DESTRUCTION."

The destruction to the Florida Eskimo Action News Station was severe with loses totalling at least $125. The highest dollar item that was destroyed was the MegaWeather 8000.

"I am dissappointed that Central Florida will no longer be protected" Stated Whiskerman. "That MegaWeather 8000 was the only piece of equipment on the planet that could accurately predict storms, without it we are doomed".

Because of this tragedy, a paypal account is being set-up to replace Whiskerman's typewriter and the MegaWeather 8000. Even though the technology of the MegaWeather is very sophisticated and probably impossible to duplicate the staff at Florida Eskimo Action News thought a pile of cash would ease the pain.

28 HURRICANES PREDICTED TO HIT FLORIDA IN NEXT 30 DAYS

An exclusive report by Johnny and "Tommy" Eskimo

Many people in Central Florida thought that they had enough when four hurricanes whipped through the area in one season. But according to Eskimo Action News Chief Meterologist Tommy Sorrells, we ain't seen nothing yet.

"I have looked at the Doppler 3000, VIPIR, TITAN, STORMSTER 12X, and none of them predicted what the nearly $100 Eskimo Megaweather 8000 has. 28 Hurricanes in the next 30 days. I am just thankful that now we are going to be able to save lives. I am also thankful that my face will be splattered on local television every minute of every hour for the next 30 days." Replied Sorrells.



After the MegaWeather 8000 spit out the chilling reality, The News Team hit the streets to find out what Central Floridians would do to prepare themselves for 28 hurricanes in 30 days.

"I am still going to Orlando Jai-Alai." Stated a disgruntled Ted James. "I know that they got plenty of generators to keep the cold air flowin and plenty of foreigners to keep the Jai-Alai balls flyin!"

Another Floridian was a little more unique in his approach to the upcoming hurricanes. "I have been building an underground fortress since Hurricane Charlie." Stated 68-year old Longwood Resident Milton Jefferson. "Everybody thought that I was crazy when I started digging but just you wait." Mr Jefferson's fortress is 75 feet long and three feet deep and holds six igloo coolers filled with Brunswick Stew from Smokey Bones.. "That stuff is great.. Did you know that there is actually 8 different kinds of meat in it? That will get me through this hurricane season. I might also try to finish that lightsaber I have been working on." Commented Mr. Jefferson.



Other local news stations are dumbfounded at our predictions. "I have no idea who Johnny Eskimanto is." Stated puzzled local news host Marla Weech, "But I guarantee you that there is not going to be 28 hurricanes in 30 days in Florida."

Johnny Eskimo begged to differ, "I beg to differ... apparently Marla hasn't seen the 400 foot tower and the sweet computer system of MegaWeather 8000. That system set me back nearly $100."



Only time will tell is MegaWeather 8000 was worth the massive price tag but one thing is for sure, if one person leaves the state and improves the traffic situation for the rest of us, it was well worth the price.

THE ESKIMO ACTION NEWS TEAM HIRES ACE REPORTER

After weeks of negotiations, Central Florida Eskimo Action News is proud to announce the hiring of one of the top reporters to ever grace an anchor desk, Bink Whiskerman. You probably all remember Bink from his days at ABC, NBC, or FOX.

Bink made national headlines when he broke the huge story, "The Western Idaho Fair Scandal of '78" . Now thanks, to several run-ins with law enforcement and one too many fist fights at a local Sanford Bar called "His & Her's". Bink thought that he disgraced himself into early retirement. Luckily for him, we here at Central Florida Eskimo Action News believe in giving a guy another chance.. and in Bink's case this will be his 22nd chance, but who are we to judge? Let's leave that to the folks at Rockstar Supernova.

Bink has been hired as the Station's News Director and Lake County Correspondent. I would like everyone to welcome him with open arms, invite him to be your friend, but don't bail him out of jail if he calls you at 3:00am. You know what, just don't give him your phone number.

Johnny Eskimo

CRAZED MONKEY TERRORIZES LONGWOOD NEIGHBORHOOD

Last week, this photograph was sent in to the Eskimo Action News Studios. The return label simply read "Boris the Monkey".

An Exclusive Report by Johnny Eskimo
April 12th, 2006

Everyone has heard stories of Bigfoot, The Great Loch Ness Monster, Aliens, etc. But now a new urban legend has popped up in the city of Longwood, Florida. The new urban legend is that of a monkey nicknamed Boris.

"My dog was barking like crazy and I went outside to the carport and I saw this big, hairy monkey-like thing digging through my trash. I ran inside to grab my camera and when I came back he was gone." Stated a bewildered June Montgomery.

According to several reports, the crazed monkey has been very precise in what it wants: large cardboard boxes and peanut brittle. The monkey tends to strike late at night and to this point, has only been sighted in The Woodlands subdivision of Longwood.

"The other night, I was driving home after the Ale House closed down and I saw this thing running down the road. I thought that I might be seeing things because I had a couple of Alabama Slammers so I drove right up to it and sure enough it was a 6-foot monkey with a bunch of cardboard boxes." Stated witness Mark Marnin.

Other neighbors are a little more aggresive when it comes to Boris.

"I went out and bought 25 boxes of peanut brittle from Boy Scout Troop 854. Every night, I set them out in a row that leads to my back porch. When that monkey goes to pick up that last box, it's gonna meet my 12 gauge!" Stated Woodlands resident Jim Schultes.

One Woodlands resident is pretty sure that he has an answer to the recent monkey problem.

"For the last time, there is no 6-foot monkey that is terrorizing the Woodlands. It is obvious that the "monkey" is a man dressed in a monkey costume. In fact, I am pretty sure that it's my neighbor, Jon Tomas. He is always coming over to my house asking for boxes to ship out the junk he sells on eBay. Just the other day, I saw him collect what looked like costume monkey feet off of his clothesline." Confirmed Paul Goodstein.

Calls to Jon Tomas were not returned but you can bet that as news on this story breaks, the Eskimo Action News team will be there to cover it.

Easter Bunny Calls It Quits After 300 Years

Exclusive Report by Johnny Eskimo
March 27th, 2006

After 300 plus years of faithful duty, the Easter Bunny tells Central Florida Eskimo Action News that "I am done".

A combination of factors including dramatic population increases, the skyrocketing price of plastic eggs, the increased demand of expensive gifts and the desire to just "chill-out" has led the one and only Easter Bunny to call it quits.

"I just don't have what it takes anymore." Stated a worn-out bunny. "In the 1800's it was soooo easy, the population was managable and the kids were content with a little bit of candy. The week after Easter, I would get incredible letters of gratitude and they would just make my heart melt. Now, I get millions of e-mails from snot-noses whining about not getting an XBOX game or other expensive gadgets like IPOD's. We lost some major corporate sponsors after the dotcom fallout and the wars overseas and quite honestly, I just can't make ends meet."

When asked if he ever thought of partnering with another legend like Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny just became beligerant.

"Oh, yeah.. I'm gonna partner with that hack... What a racket he's got. He outsources most of his wrapping and planning to the Chinese now. Go take a visit to the North Pole right now and you know what you'll find? A bunch of drunk has-been elves and Santa playing Texas Hold-em. They work 2 weeks out of the year...Please!!".

When asked about his future plans The Easter Bunny only stated that he plans on cashing in on some of his timeshare condos in Ormond Beach.

Maitland Youth Finds Success in Small Business

March 23rd
Report by Johnny Eskimo

Timmy McLaughlin of Scary Green Dinosaur Plumbing checks out a faulty toilet in DeBary.

Most toddlers at the age of one are quite active. They learn to walk, they start to eat "adult" foods, some even learn their first words and yell out "mommy" with great pride.

Timmy McLaughlin, 1, is a little bit different. Timmy, who lives in a Maitland Suburb, learned to walked at 5 months. His parents, local teacher Karen McLaughlin and plumber David McLaughlin were amazed.

"I couldn't believe he was taking his first steps at 5 months, I know parents always say that their kids grow up so fast, but come on!" Stated Karen.

Timmy wasn't done with his early development quite yet. At 6 months Timmy started to talk and at 6 1/2 months Timmy was tested by The Sylvan Learning Center in Longwood and the McLaughlin's realized their baby boy had the vocabulary of a 5th Grader.

At 8 months, Timmy insisted on riding with his dad to work.

"It was a little awkward to get to a job and be in the middle of a major plumbing repair and have to excuse myself to change my son's diaper." Stated David. "But I have to be honest, after watching me work for 2 months, Timmy could fix any plumbing problem known to man. The boys at the shop even made him a little tool belt and a shirt that says, "I might still crap my pants but I can fix your leak!".

Timmy worked with his dad until his 10 month birthday. At that point he decided to start his own business which he called, "Scary Green Dinosaur Plumbing". His mom acts as receptionist and drives Timmy to the different jobs around Central Florida.

"Timmy pays me in animal crackers." Mrs. McLaughlin laughed. "He may know everything about plumbing but he has no clue about money, he just does the work because he can't stand kiddie videos. Timmy makes everybody pay him in boxes of animal crackers."

Not everybody in the area is pleased with the added competition. Mark Sarnoff, General Manager of Pipes N' Stuff in Casselberry stated that he can't compete with a 1 year old that works for animal crackers.

"I can't pay my men in animal crackers, I can't pay my electric bill with animal crackers... I'm sure everybody thinks it's real cute but I am losing work. I have reported Timmy and his folks several times to law enforcement for breaking child labor laws but they just laugh... It turns out Timmy repaired Mayor Buddy Dyer's plumbing and he has everybody in local government in his tiny little back pocket!"

Altamonte Springs man not exactly "Jacked" over new growth

March 22nd
Report by Johnny Eskimo

Ken Spurrows is just your average Central Floridian. By day, he has a job as distribution manager at a major newspaper in the area, plays on his Elk's Club softball team on Thursday night and on the weekends he loves to head to the legendary Mosquito Lagoon for some relaxing red fishing. So what's got Ken up-in-arms? The Florida Eskimo Action News Team jumped on this story after 36 emails from Spurrows. Apparently, Mr. Spurrows is "not jacked" about all the new land development that is occurring around his Altamonte Springs home off of 436.

"I am pissed about this Planet Smoothie." Spurrows screamed as we entered his home litered with beer cans in Altamonte Springs.

" I bought my house 28 years ago and I lived in a quiet neighborhood. Now I walk outside and right across the street I got some dude holdin' hands with another dude and their always drinkin' those damn Grape Ape Smoothies."

The Grape Ape drink that Mr. Spurrows is referring to is a beverage that is produced by Planet Smoothie that consists of Grape juice, strawberries, & booster blast.

"Booster Blast... You know what that is right?" Mr. Spurrows pressed. "It's the gay man's viagra!"

Mr. Spurrows also took shots at the new Red Brick Pizza that opened right next to the Planet Smoothie. "Flavored f'n crust... big deal...You got a big oven in the middle of your store..big deal...Oooh..Look at us..we have thin screen color t.v. at every booth....I guess thats why the jerk behind the counter charged me $4.00 for a cup of gelato. Apparently gelato is french for expensive frickin' ice cream." As Spurrows finished his statement he hurrled a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon at the window and told this reporter to "go screw myself".

Calls made by the Eskimo Action News Team to the Planet Smoothie Corporate Office located in Atlanta, GA were not returned as of press time.

Steve Francis working on other projects

Former Orlando Magic Point Guard
"Working on other Stuff"

March 22, 2006
By Johnny Eskimo

Will Steve Francis get a warm or chilly reception when he returns to the T.D. Waterhouse Centre for the first time since being traded to the New York Knicks? The Eskimo Action News Sports Department has the Magic favored by 23 as they face off with the equally frustrated New York Knicks tonight at the T.D. Waterhouse Centre at 7:00pm.

"I personally don't even know who the hell that guy is." Stated local business owner Norman Schultz, but "I never trusted a yankee and I ain't going to start today."

Marsha Johnson also voiced in about Steve-O,
"Steve Francis, oh yeah, he was one of the guys that we got for Tracy McGrady right? I remember now, we traded T-Mac, one of the best players in the league for a bunch of players that we no longer have. Who's running that team Paris Hilton?"

Calls by the Eskimo News Action News desk to Steve Francis and his agent were not returned but we have learned through several sources that Steve-O is researching and having plans drawn for a "space moon" that is "capable of shooting a focused laser out of itself that is strong enough to destroy a planet". We also found out that he thought that by creating a "space moon" that he will "have the ultimate power in the universe" and finally make it as a starter on next year's All-Star Game.

Good Luck, Steve-O.